The Beginning

We all keep a diary/journal as a form of remembering.... but ultimately it is because we hope that one day, someone will find it, and read it....

How many escorts (aka call-girls) are there in the world who come from very educated backgrounds, were star pupils in school, and ultimately do the job not because the actually need the money to survive? Well, I am one of them.

I can only think that the point of origin for my desire to enter the world of escorting must have come from when I was about 15, or 16 years old, I saw the film Belle du Jour (the original, which starred the beautiful Catherine Deneuve). I found it rather confusing but loved it. After having watched it several times to get a better understanding, I realized how much I envied her (the character played by Deneuve). 

To make a long story short, she is a very well off, privileged, young married beauty living in Paris, the wife of a successful doctor husband, residing in a stunning apartment, and wearing only the finest of high fashion. Yet one day, she approaches a brothel, and after several visits, does begin working for the madame at their place of work. She does this not because she needs the money, but she clearly wanted excitement, and had a desire to be used, abused, and please men- even though she does get a bit scared at times. The film plays out fantasies that are going through her mind along the way, one of which includes her husband taking her to the woods, having assisting males tie and bound her, and then she is beaten, and even humiliated in another scene by having mud thrown at her whilst in a white dress and restrained. These are just a few of the scenes, but whether or not I'm correct, how I perceived it was that she very much liked pleasing men through either the use of her body (for sexual favours), allowing a sadistic & dominant male to control, punish, and humiliate her, and also one of the most key elements was that she gained arousal from fear.... which DOES happen. When one begins to undergo the emotion of fear, the adrenaline gets going as the body's way of staying alert for preserving itself, and as a result this triggers sensations which can be very enjoyable, and ultimately cause arousal. Thus why so many men and women seek "sessions" within the BDSM world / dungeons.

Although, I do admit that I had a strong interest in sex, arousal, etc, from a much younger age... If I'm being honest I recall masturbating successfully when I was still a young child! I remember always thinking of horny stories in my mind growing up through school, yet I never fancied any boys at my school- I always lusted after men, not boys (that includes teachers!). I would always dress very mature for my age, as I was the tallest girl in my classes with the longest and thickest hair, and I never really acted like the other girls- such as being preppy, giggling like mad, or wearing clothes like everyone else did. Being an immensely huge fan of the "silver screen" of cinema, aka all the wonderful Hollywood movies produced during the 1920's-1970's, I did find myself leaving the TCM channel on in my room permanently (just for background noise or to watch), and I learned all about seduction, "femme fatale", superior female fashion, etc. This all sounds very well, but surely that would make a person become more of a dominant female superior "mistress"- and yes, I agree, thus I have been a professional (yet amateur) mistress along the way, as you'll read about in my later posts,  but all in all, I gained knowledge of both sides, known as a "switch," which helped me all to better understand. The silver screen films were filled with emotion, passion, and immense attention to detail, without showing horrific graphic scenes, etc, it was all down to the mind and senses... so much has changed since then sadly. Where lighting, voice, costume, posture, set, all shaped how the mind of the viewer watched. I can recall watching typical mid 20th century film scenes set in a dark alleyways at night with contrasting white street lamps, brick walls, grubby narrow back streets, and well suited male figures, with "crime" of some sort taking place- either prostitution, gangsters, or else, and I always got so excited thinking about the prostitutes in such a setting- in the urban dark nights, with strong males shadowing over them, wanting to use them, and when the sun came up, it would all return to normal.

As disturbing, delusional, or just strange as it sounds, being raped, or just forced, in such an environment always aroused me... I'm certain I would not still feel that way if I actually were experiencing it, but the thought at least did. There was another film I saw recently, maybe a year ago, about a beautiful & slim, late teens girl being abducted, drugged, glamorously styled in lingerie and presented at a very private, exclusive auction, where the girls are sold off to the highest bidder, and the clients being billionaires wanting to pay $50K-$100K for them.... I can recall thinking how that excited me also, yet I could see how it was a horrible thing of course. That is just the ultimate form of submission. I suppose it's similar with the Russian mail order brides, older wealthy men get a beautiful stunning girl, if they can afford it.

Fear and adrenaline did cause my arousal. I did put myself in these dangerous situations when seeing my "punter" clients, where I was unaware of what would happen, and didn't know if anyone would hear my screams should it ever come to that stage, and knew not if it would hurt greatly. I mention the hurt factor, as it was very late in life that I lost my virginity, in fact I was 18, and was so glad to get it over with. I was so squeamish about anything that had to do with penetration, whether it was the use of tampons (which still to this day I have never used!) or sexual, just the whole concept made me feel ill, scared, and I just wanted to clench up. I never have liked sex much anyway, it doesn't feel great to me, and when it IS good- it still doesn't feel great (believe me I've had some experienced, very good males), and also I may add that I am very tight, still.

So all in all, for me it was not at all about the great financial reward, but of course I was happy with it- who wouldn't be? I had financial security and was already independent through other means, but I just loved being worth something, and pleasing them. I envied the stunning Russian young girls who were mistresses to billionaire males, simply because they could have anyone, and the fact they chose them, meant they WERE worth something. This to me is a great sign of submission, and all the excitement that went along with it, as let's face it, I more than likely would not actually want to sleep with the majority of the clients, so in a sense it was a type of rape- being invaded and having to deal with it, that's what I was paid for, forcing myself to french kiss (which most of the time did not bother me at all), and get aroused naturally for the client.

When I first started I was 20, and this being when I was fat (being a dress size UK 14 / USA 12, but tall at 5'9"!) so was charging £130 which is appx $200 for a 1hour incall (and did do one 1/2 hour session for £100, appx $170), but then, when I resumed the business, nearly eight months later, I was charging between £170-200, appx $280-$340, for a 1hour session, and really only did outcalls. This was after my return into escorting where I was a much slimmer dress size UK 10, or UK 12 in tight jeans (appx USA 8 or 10), and even found that I had grown slightly taller so was around the 5'9.5" mark. My chest had reduced from a 36C to a 34B, which helped me look even more youthful, as I had gotten older, and before when I was fat, most men would mistake me for being 24-25.... it did have something to do with the fact I am very intelligent, and was proud of my knowledge and understandings, so everything from the way I dressed, and carried myself, and manner I spoke in, were all how someone older would be.

But during my second stage of being a call-girl, I would then change who I was. I would no longer be 20 but look 25.... instead I would be Zeenya who was an English rose (even though my ethnicity is not English, whilst I am a citizen) and be 18/19 years of age. But that part of the story is a long way off yet, we still must visit the life of Allie, which was me during the first stage.